Having to Guess

I'm tired of life. Of always having to guess. I have the worst radar of anyone I know.

I have to guess about my roommate. She leaves hints, and swears nothings happening. Not that I don't like my roommate, cause I do. It definitely could have been worse, but she leaves me guessing. And I hate guessing.

I get ansy, and stressed. Which doesn't help my insomnia. My insomnia is of course my own fault, because I have to guess. I can't just let it go. I dwell and ponder and sit on a thought until it has been thought to death. And even that doesn't answer the issue.

I'm tired of guessing in terms of my soul, and anyone attatched to my soul. Does everyone wonder what the people around them are really thinking? How about all the time? I do. I like to think my soul is untouchable, and that it belongs solely to me, and is pure. But then I look at my soul closer, and it doesn't seem that way. Instead there is a mass of gray, the blur of the unknown. I can't stand it.

I'm tired of guessing about boys. I did that one too many times and that broke my heart. I reached outside my comfort zone, admitted my true feelings, and, without meaning to, he crushed my heart beneath his feet. What makes it sad is he affected me even more than when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. He, at least, I knew wasn't in it for the long run. I was an off-again fling in his dance with his ex.

I don't want to be a fling. I just want someone to tell me I matter. That I'm not tiding them over as they wait for someone else's heart to come back to them. I'm tired of feeling needy. Like all I'm looking for is attention, even though I strive to present the opposite. I hope that's what everyone else sees. Someone who stands alone.

I wish I could stand alone. I feel like I stand alone at times. Like there's no one out there for me at that moment. I know that's not true of course. My friends are there. But sometimes, when it's dark and I'm alone, there isn't anyone. And that's when I'm scared the most.

That's when I really start guessing. Because if there isn't anyone there, why am I here for? Do I have a purpose later in life? Have I already served my purpose? Do I even have a purpose? Or am I one of thousands meant to just go throught the motions, always there but never leaving an imprint?

The dark...Yes.

That's when I really start guessing.