There's Boy

So there's this boy.

Isn't that how these things always start?

And I have this joke with him and my friend. But me and this boy, we've never met. So my friend, who is also his friend, is our go between...kind of. And I really want to eliminate the middle man. But I'm so afraid, what if he thinks it's just a joke.

Do we feel the same way?

Should I try to connect directly with him?

Could it even work?

Could we start as friends?

Or is this going to go badly?

I just don't know what to do.

I really want to get to know him, from him, not someone else. But I'm afraid of rejection.

Aren't we all?

Baggage

All of my friends are bringing baggage into their relationships. Usually because of a past relationship. Some are trying to return to the love they once felt. Some are facing trouble in their new relationship because of a love they once had. Baggage that shows they came from somewhere.

I don't have any baggage. My only relationship wasn't long enough to scar me. I'm not afraid of love. I'm ready to be loved. And I'm ready to give love.

But not everyone is like me.

That's what scares me.

What if I fall for someone who has baggage that I can't handle? What if they want to be with me, but still love someone else? What if I fall for someone and they let me go?

Baggage scares me.

I don't think I'm ready to deal with that fear, but I also want the chance. I want to love someone and be loved in return. And if that love goes sour, then I have my own baggage for a relationship.

I guess I am ready to deal with my fear. But I don't know if I'll ever get the chance. What if I love someone and they don't love me? What if I fall for him and he hurts me? What if I hurt him?

There are so many what ifs.

But I guess that goes with or without baggage.

Today I had my first Resident Advisor meeting and I was so nervous. I do not think I have ever been so nervous in my life. I know this isn't true, but I can not remember a time I was so nervous. This position determines whether or not I get to stay at Western. If I do not get it I will have to attend a college at home, and I do not want to leave. I have made friends, which is very hard for me to do because I am so shy. I have been very lucky and blessed in that department, my friends are amazing. I need this position. The thought that I may not get the position strikes fear in my core, and my stomach ties itself in knots. My mother is praying for me, strength through faith. Sometimes I wonder if I have faith, right now it only feels like fear. Fear and panic. I can only hope and pray that my fear is unfounded. And that my mother's faith is not. That my faith is not.